 Loving Too Much
Is it possible for a mother to love her child too much? For Tonja, answering this question was one of the healthiest things she ever did. When she arrived at STARRY a few months ago, Tonja could barely squeeze an explanation about her situation past the lump in her throat and the tears in her eyes. But, she did. She began to tell her story -- a vivid story. “I had a lot of pain and was not sure how to express and deal through it all,” confesses Tonja. Raised in a dysfunctional home, Tonja had rarely witnessed healthy family dynamics. Her childhood was riddled with harsh judgment, heaping helpings of shame and guilt, outburst of anger and injurious doses of ambivalence. Now, decades removed from childhood, Tonja was raising a child of her own – 8-year-old Tiahna – in New Mexico. In a promising relationship, Tonja chose to move to Texas, leaving behind the friends and family she knew to start over. Four months later, her boyfriend left her. On their own in a foreign town, wounded from rejection and loneliness, Tonja and Tiahna only had each other. Mother and daughter became very close – maybe too close. Tonja loves Tiahna intensely and Tonja began clinging to her daughter. She struggled with letting go and allowing her daughter the space and freedom she needed to grow into an independent, emotionally healthy youth. “I had a lot of things in my life that were going wrong, but when I realized how they were affecting my daughter, I knew we needed to get help,” Tonja shared. It was a hard step for her. Tonja was unsure about facing the things she would have to deal with in counseling. As a result, she resisted in the first meetings with STARRY counselors. But she soon began to see the effectiveness of loving boundaries – boundaries that allowed both closeness and freedom for her and Tiahna. “Going to STARRY helped because I needed outside perspective,” Tonja now admits. “I had no other individual to talk through things with. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed to learn to draw the line with Tiahna between mom and friend,” Through group classes and individual counseling sessions, STARRY provided Tonja with practical ways to communicate well with her 8-year-old, and Tiahna thrived learning that it’s okay to be a kid. Tonja is still on the journey to better emotional health, but she is miles beyond the starting line and doing a great job of actively working towards better, healthier parenting.
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